I didn’t learn in time how to express my negative feelings. I had many set ups like «good girls don’t scream», «don’t confront», «don’t raise voice» and so on.
I cried every time I accumulated big amount of negative feelings. It was difficult to tell someone that I didn’t like something or that I don’t agree with something straight away. I think I was scared of the rejection or confrontation from others. I remember some years ago I had all the time pain in different parts of my body. I had headaches, stomach pains, sinusitis etc. I wasn’t at all conscious about my feelings.
How interesting was my observation when I began to express myself. The psychosomatics come very rare compared to the past.
Many diseases we have are due to our unexpressed feelings. I work on myself and try not to direct my anger towards myself. It's a very strong pattern and sometimes I still do the same like in the past.
If you have something similar you I don’t necessarily should scream it out.
It’s more about being yourself and share your opinion straight away. If you feel angry or disappointed with someone don’t hide it, be honest to your own feelings and experience even if it doesn’t sound right to others.
I especially had problems at the begging of my integration. I felt many times stupid or didn’t know how I can express myself. I learned the lesson that it shouldn’t be this way.
You can take the best from every culture but you should remember about your core anywhere.
The painting above was destroyed by myself when I got angry in the beginning of the Covid 19 quarantine. I had to stay in Poland and cancel my tickets to Russia where I supposed to celebrate my birthday. I got upset that I don't know when I will see my mum and that some of my planned projects are cancelled. It was me who painted this young Buddha some time ago and it was me who destroyed it. It's funny because it looks like the Modern Art object now after I clayed it back to the frame..
I don't know what you do to get rid of your anger! I sometimes go to forest and scream, I can hit my pillow for meditation, I can be honest about my feelings with others, I can talk to someone and can ask for the support. I know that the most important that you shouldn't direct your frustration on yourself!